What Time Forgot
by kamiikiteiru23
Summary: A look into Vala and Daniel's relationship in Unending. Scenes we did see and ones we didn't.
1. Mi Casa es su Casa

**Author's Note: STOP! This is chapter 7 of a story I started under my old name years ago. Due to guidelines I cannot re-post the old chapters and you cannot link to them. So if you would like to read chapters 1-6 lookup my old name kamiikiteiru and find What Time Forgot. Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for reading.**

 **Mi Casa es Su Casa**

He could hear her rustling around as he steps out of the shower. He takes the towel from around his waist, drops it on the floor and glances over to see Vala as she picks up his mattress to look beneath it.

"What are you doing?" He asks, eyeing her suspiciously.

She turns, slightly smiles and looks down at his naked lower half and then returns to searching. "Have you seen my black bra anywhere?"

"Which one?" He turns to the dresser and opens up one of the drawers that still belong to him.

"The lacy one with the blue ribbon around the edges." She moves his chair and gets on her hands and knees to search under the desk.

"No, have you checked your room?"

"Yeah, not there. It has to be here somewhere." She answers. She moves over toward him and knocks over a pile of books by the bed.

He ignores her and looks down at the bottom two dresser drawers she now calls her own. They are hanging open with all her underwear half in and half out of it. "You know I just realized something? Do you own a plain white anything?"

"Depends. Where's that sexy Egyptian boxer number of yours, Darling?" She stands, brushes her hands off and smacks his bare butt.

He freezes, eyes going slightly wide. "Vala?"

"Hmm?"

"How do you know about those? I didn't bring them with me."

"Oh…um." She turns toward him and bites her lower lip. "Remember when I used the communication device and was in your body?"

"Yeah?" He winces, ready to hear anything, because with Vala it could mean anything.

"Well, you had to pee. Why? You aren't embarrassed are you? It was strictly for relief purposes."

"That's it?"

"Well, I had to admit a little curiosity. I'd seen the little guy before, but never had one attached. And besides I thought it was completely fair since you had seen all of me. You did undress me when we first met remember?"

"Completely different circumstances."

"So you say. Don't worry you have nothing to be embarrassed about. On first inspection I thought it was very cute."

"Cute?"

"Uh-huh."

"Any word, but that one, please."

"Want me to tell you what I named him?"

"Oh, God no." His forehead wrinkles as he furrows his eyebrows at her. He is still trying to fathom 'cute'.

"Suit yourself. I guess I will go check my room again. That is my lucky bra."

"Do I dare ask why?"

"It got me you and this." She kisses his lips quickly and grabs his still bare butt. "See you for breakfast in fifteen." She bounces out of his room and he watches her backside until the door closes after her.

* * *

He's only half awake when he hears her sit up in his bed. He opens one eye and watches her search for her clothes on the floor in the dark.

"Where are you going?" He mumbles, not quiet awake yet.

"To take a shower and change into clothes I didn't wear yesterday. I forgot to bring clean pants with me last night." She half turns and winks at him. She starts to stand up, but he pulls her back down and holds her next to him.

"It's still early." He says with a yawn.

"Yes, but Cameron is going to be running soon and I don't want him to catch me again."

"You love it when he catches you."

"I used to. Now I just feel bad. I think he's starting to lose it." She tries to pry his arm off her so she can get up, but he holds her still.

"Cabin fever." He explains.

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget Mitchell."

"I have to go eventually." She finds her way to his tickle spot, his right side just above his hip and softly scratches it with her fingernails. He gives immediately and his arm recedes. She stands back up and stretches her arms up and then to the side, letting her muscles stretch awake. Her purple camisole rises with her actions and bares her lower back. He notices.

He is quiet for a minute and she starts to think he's fallen back asleep when he finally speaks again. "What if you didn't have to leave?"

"What does that mean?"

"One of us is always running off in the morning. Why don't we just pick a room and stay in it?"

"You mean like share a room? Live together?" She turns back toward him to gauge his seriousness.

"We basically already do. This way we don't have to run back to our separate places in the morning." He catches her hand in his and pulls her back down onto the bed. He sits up, sliding next to her.

"Are we doing this for convenience or because we want to?" She asks, staring straight ahead as she contemplates his request.

"Both."

"But my presence is the more important reason, right?"

"Of course." He says, burrowing his face into her hair. She smells like strawberries, sweet and ripe. From a shampoo or lotion he didn't know, or care.

"You know what's ironic?"

"What?"

"At one time you would have done anything to get away from me. Now you can't get enough of me." She tilts her head to the side with a smug smile.

He takes that as an invitation and kisses her neck. Then he puts his mouth next to her ear and whispers, "You keep my feet warm at night."

She playfully smacks his arm away.

"All right, all right. I can't get enough of you." He continues to kiss her neck and one hand snakes under her cami drawing small circles on her lower back.

"As long as you know it Daniel Jackson. Fine by me on the one room idea. Certainly will make my and Cameron's mornings better."

"Can we not talk about Cameron as I am trying to entice you?" He manages to pull her cami up and over her head.

"Tell me why you want me to move in and mean it if you want me to make it worth your while."

"Because I love you. Because I can't get enough of you. Despite myself you have somehow become my everything. Live with me. When we get home we can do the paperwork so you can leave the base and stay with me permanently."

"Really?"

"Really."

In answer to him she turns slowly and lets her lips slide up his arm, barely touching him. He can feel her breath moving up his arm and it tickles a little. He pushes himself into her back and pulls her back towards him. He wants to tackle her, but allows her to continue. Her lips make it to his ear where she gently bites his earlobe, her tongue flicking the tip in her mouth. It drives him crazy and she knows it. "Yes" She whispers as her teeth let go. "Yes, to everything."

* * *

Daniel puts in the code into the door keypad and the doors open. He leads her in to the slightly larger room. Two beds are pushed together and she flings herself on top of it.

"Oh this is heaven. How come we haven't done this before?"

"Because our rooms are standards and there wasn't room for another bed." He leans against the wall, hands in his pockets watching her.

This room was for when they had more than one general on board. All he had to do was move another bed and dresser in and it was more accommodating then his or hers.

"Oh." She takes one of the pillows on his side and adds it to the two on her side. Fluffs them and falls back on them with a satisfied smile.

"Want to see your favorite part?" He steps toward the bed and offers her one of his hands

"Yes, please." She places her hand in his and lets him pull her up.

He leads her to the bathroom door. He touches the keypad next to it and the door slides open. Inside is twice the bathroom their rooms had with a bigger shower and double the drawer space.

"Oh Daniel. You do love me." She flings her arms around him and plants a long kiss that leaves pink lip gloss on his cheek.

* * *

Two days later Cameron stops by the new room and gives one of the inventory bins to her. The blue ones they keep their stock of food items in.

"Did you get us something?" She asks, pulling the lid off. Maybe a room warming gift perhaps.

"No. I did inventory today. Don't do that again. We keep our food there." He points his finger at her and gives her the stern Cameron look. He walks away before she even looks in the box. Daniel had done inventory last week. She had distracted him. In the bin is her lucky bra.


	2. When the Bough Breaks

June 23 2011

Ten blue lines. Each one staring back at her. She picks one of the sticks up, puts it down and picks another.

It has been an hour since she took the first two. About twenty minutes since the others. Sam gave her a sad smile when she asked for the first. When she had gone back for more Sam had warned her the answer probably wouldn't change, but she keeps waiting for one to say all this wasn't happening.

She can't be pregnant. Even though her body is telling her she is and these five little sticks she peed on agree. This cannot be happening. Not here. Not now. Her head drops into her hands because she has been here before. Being pregnant at the worst possible time and having no idea what she is going to do. Maybe slightly easier than last time because she doesn't have to marry anyone and pretend the baby is his. Still, not good.

Her head aches with all the questions that have been running circles inside her brain since she first started to suspect. How can a baby be born here? They have no medical personnel. They have nothing to help if something goes wrong. They have nothing to offer a child here. This ship offers nothing but grief and remorse.

And what if they never get home and this child grows up alone and watches all of them die? This is impossible, more impossible then being stuck in a time dilation bubble. What are they going to do?

* * *

She doesn't show for dinner and Daniel explains it away as she wasn't feeling well. Afterwards he tries to use the comms, but she doesn't answer. He searches their room, his and her old rooms. He roams hallways and decks. Finally finds her on the Bridge, sitting sideways in the captain's chair, legs and feet dangling from the side. She is blankly staring out into the stars.

"Hey." He announces his presence and she turns to look at him.

"Hey." She replies.

"You okay?"

"So…that thing-" She ignores his question and points at the Ori blast just sitting out in space motionless, "-what happens if Sam never figures it out? How long before it hits? Our lifetime? After we are all gone and dead?"

He walks over and kneels next to where she sits. "I try not to think about it. I don't think you should either. We have to believe Sam is going to get us out of this. "

"I'm pregnant." She blurts out. He doesn't respond at first so she turns her gaze toward him. His expression is impassive, probably the same as hers.

"You…what? I mean you what?" He stares at her with wide unbelieving eyes. Observing for a hint of a smile or any tell that she is joking. He finds nothing that says she isn't serious. "No…we were careful. Very careful just so this didn't happen." They had been. She had gone on the pill, but they still used condoms every time. They both knew this couldn't happen here.

"I know."

There is a long moment of silence between them. He stares at her with no words that could even remotely comfort her right now. He brushes her loose bangs out of her face. The ones she always seemed to pull back with a flowery or jeweled barrette. She doesn't have one on today, realizes she hadn't worn one all week actually. His hand falls to cover one of hers. "Are you okay?"

"No. I don't know how we do this."

"I don't know either. What can I do? What do you need?"

She thinks for a moment and watches his concerned face. Her Daniel, who was feeling everything she was, but only thinking of her. "Can you give this a happy ending?"

"If I could I would give you anything you asked of me."

A half smile forms. "My sweet naïve boy. I know you would." She places a hand on his cheek and he turns into it, lightly kissing her palm.

"Come back to the room with me. Let's talk or not talk. Whatever you want to do. Just come away from this…from that." He nods his head toward the Ori blast. He rises and takes her hand into his, pulling her up and taking her out of the Bridge. Away from that damned blast staring back at them. That damned blast that had them here in the first place. If it weren't for that this moment could have been so different.

* * *

He sits beside her on their bed. She has her back against the wall with her knees tucked up under her chin. Her arms wrap around her knees making herself a little Vala ball. "We've never discussed this particular what if."

"No, we didn't. We were careful."

"You keep saying that."

"Sorry, I just don't-" He stops, looking for the right words that escape him.

"Me either." She answers his unfinished thought.

"It's just…we were careful." He says it slowly, more to himself then to her.

"Okay I think you have that covered, Daniel. We were very careful, but that doesn't change the part where I'm still pregnant."

"Sorry." He scratches a phantom itch on his head. Not sure what to say and trying not to sound like a broken record. "How far along?" He says it barely above a whisper.

"About five weeks, I think"

He did the math in his head, first having to remember what day it was in what month. That would make her due late February.

"Thirty-four weeks. That gives us time. Time that Sam might-"

She tilts her head toward him with that 'yeah right' look. "It's been over four years, Daniel."

He peers at her, pursed lips with an expression half of understanding and half sorrowful. Needs to ask her a question he never thought he would ever have to utter. "There are things we could do. Do you want to consider…?" He can't even finish the thought.

"No. I can't do that." She had never considered it with Adria, not seriously. And that was unwanted with a child meant to destroy, hurt and kill. She bore that child alone, but she did it. This child was different. She had Daniel. They had each other and in that they had created something. Through every fear and insecurity she had about what was going to happen, she could never consider that. She knows he doesn't either.

"Okay…so we are…having a baby."

Her eyes close and she lets out a long drawn out sigh. "You are being incredibly calm about this for you, ya know."

"I'm not, really." That is all he can say.

"What are you thinking?"

He isn't going to say what he is actually thinking. "I love you." He doesn't mention the tightening in his chest as he realizes what this could mean for them. For all three of them.

"Be serious."

"I am. I wish I could make this easier on you, but I can't. I have no power to change anything here. All I know is I love you. I would be crazier than Mitchell if it weren't for you."

"Oh I don't know that is pretty crazy."

He gives her a fake smile. "I know you know this, but I have to tell you. You aren't alone this time. I am here for you, for this." He nods his head to her midsection.

"What if I am not sure if I can do this again?"

"You can." He truly doesn't doubt that. She is the strongest woman he has ever met. He wouldn't have survived half of what she has been through.

"I may need you to remind me of that every once in a while."

"Always." He pulls her over and she uncurls herself to fit next to him. They don't speak again and eventually she falls asleep. It is then and only then that he leaves her for a moment and goes into the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror. The only sound is his rapid breathing. He slaps both hands against his chest as if that would stop the panic starting to spread through him. It doesn't because no matter what he says or hopes, this has real risk. This could be dangerous. What if something happens to her? He can't lose her. He can't go through that again. Can't even breathe thinking about it. Even a best case scenario where everything turns out fine, they still have a baby on this ridiculous ship. That was a life he wouldn't wish on anyone.

She was right. He can't give this a happy ending. And that scares him more than being stuck on a ship or an Ori blast or never getting home.


	3. Hopes and Dreams

**12 weeks**

She lies wide awake in the dark. She has tried sleeping on her side, back and other side. She just can't fall asleep. They had told everyone today. Sam had already known of course, but the boys had no idea. It had been a little tense and a little awkward. There were no hugs or cheering of congratulations. They all knew the reality of this. This wasn't the time or place. Mitchell had made that abundantly clear until General Landry had to tell him to settle down and remind him Daniel and Vala had obviously not planned for this to happen. The General also promised they would all help out where they could. Still it left an odd feeling. All of them wondered how this was going to work if they were stuck here longer than it took for Vala to have this baby. It made her feel like she was a ticking time bomb.

She sighs loudly, hoping to wake him up so she has someone to talk to. He doesn't budge. She elbows his side. "Daniel?"

"Hmm." He replies still half asleep.

"How much medical knowledge do you and Sam have put together? I mean this baby is going to come out at some point. How is this going to work?"

"Got it covered." He mumbles.

"Covered how?" She pulls the blanket almost completely off him so he has to turn to her to get it back, which he does.

"I studied with midwives once. Delivered a few babies."

"What? How many random skills do you have?"

"That is for me to know and you to find out." He replies playfully. He turns toward her in bed as he realizes she isn't going to let him go back to sleep.

She is staring up at the ceiling, both hands folded on her rounded bump. It was just barely there, only noticeable to him and her just yet.

"I know the basics: normal delivery, breech, how to turn a baby, how to help a prolonged labor and positions for shoulder dystocia" He counts on his fingers, throwing one up with each thing he lists.

"That doesn't sound very basic to me."

"They are easier to fix than the complicated stuff." He props his head up on his arm so he can see, gauge her reaction better.

"What is the complicated stuff?"

The complicated stuff scares him because there are a lot of scenarios he can't do much about. So he isn't going to tell her he knows how to do a Caesarian if need be, but not confident he could keep her alive through it or after. Or how they just wouldn't have what was necessary to keep a preterm baby alive. That information he keeps to himself and prays they never become an issue. He pulls her hand toward him and kisses it, knows she is worried. "Did you have any complications the last time?"

"Other than them taking my baby away from me…no."

He kisses her hand again. "Second labors tend to be shorter and easier for the most part. Your body knows what to do. I'm not worried so you shouldn't be either. Boyfriend midwife guy's orders."

She turns toward him, punches her pillow to fluff it and closes her eyes. "Easy for you to say. You don't have to push a human head out of any part of your body."

He kisses her hand a final time and releases it. He would give his life if it meant she came out of this okay at the end. She is his entire world. He refuses to think about the complicated stuff because he can't accept a world where he loses them. Everything has to be okay.

* * *

 **15 weeks**

They are sitting in the rec room after dinner, not quite ready to retire for the night. They are working on a puzzle of kittens in a barn that Sam had given her.

"Daniel?"

"Yeah." He answers finding a piece of a white kitten he had been searching for.

"I'm having one of those cravings things again. Does Earth have Passals?

"Sorry, what?"

"Passals. I loved them growing up. They were these little soft cakes that had this crème stuff in the middle. I cannot stop thinking about them. It's driving me crazy. I want one so bad if we got out of this bubble right now I would hi-jack the ship and take it to the nearest world that had them."

"Okay, first don't do that, Sweetheart. Secondly, we have something similar. I will be right back." He gets up, kisses her on top of her head and makes the trek to see if Sam is still around.

He comes back fifteen minutes later with a box. He opens it and hands her a chocolate crème filled cupcake.

She quickly unwraps it from the plastic and takes a bite. "Oh, yeah. Oh yeah close enough. Oh this is good." She crams the rest into her mouth and white crème drips onto her chin.

He smiles at her and starts to reach over to clean the crème, but she smacks his hand away and licks it up. He puts his attention back on the puzzle. He does realize she keeps eating them as they work, but he isn't completely paying attention. By the time he places the last piece he looks over to see the pile of plastic wrappers. "Did you eat them all?"

"Maaaaaaaaaybe." She says with her mouth full. "Oh don't look at me like that. They were so good and I've been wanting one all day."

"I didn't even get one!"

"Oh no sir you did not. Do not sit there and judge me, Daniel Jackson. You impregnated me with your little bookworm spawn who just so happens to make me want food all the time. Specifically, now these delicious little cakes and if I want to eat the whole box, I will. You just shush it."

"I'm sorry did you say bookworm spawn?"

"I did. Now if you will excuse me I am going to our room where I won't be unfairly judged for the consumption of delightful treats." She leaves and it is just him, the kittens and empty wrappers.

* * *

When he enters their room, she is already in bed, facing away from him. He walks to the bed and reaching over her places two more boxes of the cakes in her view. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you." She hugs the boxes to her. "Bookworm spawn thanks you too."

"Yeah, about that…what?" He put his hands on his hips and tilts his head looking down on her.

"Remember yesterday when you were explaining that text you had read and what it meant?"

"Yeah."

"I…actually payed attention and found myself interested." She opens the box closer to her and gets out a cake.

"Wow."

"You have no idea." She opens the wrapper and stuffs most of it in her mouth. She offers a finger covered in crème to him and he licks it clean.

"Bookworm spawn it is, I guess."

* * *

 **20 weeks**

He sits on the floor with his back to the wall. His legs are crossed and open books surround him on all sides. The Asguard knowledge base is open and the only light source in the room. He is making notes in a journal, going from Asguard knowledge to book then back again. He doesn't see her until she plops down across from him on the floor. He finishes his thought and puts down his pen. "Hey." He gives her his full attention. She rarely sought him out here anymore unless she needed something.

"Hey." She replies.

"Did I lose track of time again? Is it dinner already?" He checks his watch, but doesn't even have time to see what time it was before she answers.

"No." She doesn't elaborate.

Short and succinct. Two things Vala isn't. "Okaaaaay. What's going on?" He closes the open book in front of him, the one between him and her and scooches closer to her. "You okay?"

"Yes…no. Maybe…probably…not."

"Okay, you're scaring me a little bit."

"I'm physically fine. I just…I felt the baby move." She blurts out the last bit quickly.

He starts to move his hands toward her abdomen and stops himself. First, because it will be awhile before he can actually feel the baby and secondly because she doesn't seem happy about it. "That's a good thing."

"Yep, it's just great. The moving." She juts her lips out and then into an awkward smile.

"Talk to me. What's wrong?"

"You know I am bad at this stuff right? The personal feelings let's talk and make everything better stuff?" She looks away from him.

"Hm. Yes. And you know I am always here if you need a moment where you say the personal feelings stuff." He puts his index finger under her chin and leans his head down until her eyes meet his.

"Mmm-hmm. So here's the thing. It didn't feel real. I know it is, but like everything else in this ridiculous time dilation bubble nothing seems real sometimes. I could ignore the fact that I had to raid the ship for larger waist pants. I could ignore the fact that it looks like I am eating more than my fair share of meals." Her hands are fiddling in her lap and she is concentrating on them instead of him. "I can't ignore the moving. The moving means he or she is alive, growing, becoming a person inside me. This is real. This is happening."

"It's happening." He agrees, not sure what more to say. He is aware that from day one she was not okay with this. He has become accustomed, he supposes. Not much else to do, but accept it. He tries to not push his feelings on the situation on her, to let her steer her way through this. This wasn't about him. He knew that.

"Doesn't that scare you? I don't feel ready. I didn't feel ready with Adria and then I didn't really have to parent her and then she was gone and the mother thing was over before it had even really started. I've done this before, but this is scarier. Scarier than being the mother to the Orici because I actually have to be a mother." She rattles it all off faster than she anticipated and her hand covers her mouth to stop herself.

"Sweetheart, deep breath." He breathes in through his nose slowly and out through his mouth. She follows his lead and they take several long breaths together. "Everything you are feeling is okay. You are allowed. I knew this was going to bring up a lot of things, things I don't think you've even admitted to yourself before. "

"Is therapist also a hidden talent of yours?"

"No, just picked up a few things from all the psychologists they've made me talk to over the years." He pauses. "You know this scares me too, right?"

"No, you seem so sure all of the time."

"Yeaaah, no, but I'm usually more worried about you, what you are feeling. For me…I'm scared. Sometimes I feel a little angry because this doesn't seem fair to us or to the baby. And then sometimes, like right now I feel excited. This isn't when we wanted, but we are having a baby. One we will get to take home, if we aren't there before. One day where this happened won't matter. I believe that and I hope you do too."

"That's asking a lot."

"So focus on this." He takes her hands into his. "We are real." He moves so her hands are on her abdomen and his hands are on top of hers. "This is real. Leave everything else to me." She bends forward so that her forehead lies against his. She closes her eyes and focuses on him and the butterflies inside that tell her there was a baby there.

Daniel, her anchor always knew exactly what to say.

After dinner she retires to their room. He says he will join her later. He had an errand to run. It isn't until she is changing into pajamas that she remembers they don't have errands anymore.

He joins her fifteen minutes later. Just bursts into the room with some device in his hand. "Lie down. I think I have something that will help."

"Don't you think lying down is what got us into this?" She complies anyway and lies back.

He pulls up her shirt, revealing her swollen stomach. "I had an idea after we talked today. This is a Doppler."

"It looks like a little karaoke machine. Is it a little karaoke machine?" It has a small box connected by a cord to what looks like a tiny microphone.

"No." He flips a switch on the box and then places the wand on her belly. At first it just makes feedback noises. He moves it around a bit until he finds what he is looking for. The fast rhythm of their child's heart fills the room. "That is the baby's heartbeat." He watches her expression change from amusement to one of awe.

She looks from him, to her stomach and back to him. "That's her?"

"Yes, that's…did you say her?"

"Mm-hm. Now stop talking, I'm listening to our child." She takes his other hand in hers and squeezes it.

"Feeling a little bit more connected?" He asks after giving them a moment.

She wipes a tear from her cheek. She never cried with Adria. Never felt like this with Adria. Maybe it's hearing the heart of a child that is part him and her. Maybe it was the intense love of this man beside her who she loved more each day. Probably it was both. All she knows is she is overwhelmed by this moment. "Yes, thank you."

He turns it off and sets it on her nightstand. "Anytime you feel like you need to hear that, it's right there." He wipes another tear away and leans down for a soft perfect kiss. "Now, about that 'she'".

* * *

 **26 weeks**

They were sitting together in one of the open bays that just housed some tables and chairs. She is translating something for him. Usually she would complain about busy work, but after years she looked forward to anything that kept her busy. On this ship busy was good.

He sits next to her reading some old journal of his. His left hand is holding a page ready to turn and his right is against his cheek, propping his head up.

The only sound is her pen scribbling on a notepad. She finishes writing her current text and pauses. A kick or jab down below gets her attention. She waits to see if she feels another. She had been feeling this baby for weeks now, but Daniel had not been present or quick enough to catch it yet. She feels another kick in the same spot, this one slightly stronger. She grabs his left hand and places it on the lower right of her belly. She goes back to work, translating the next text.

Daniel stops reading and his eyes glance over to her. He waits. Finally after about a minute he feels a tiny jab right into his palm. He moves his chair closer so that he can place his chin on her shoulder. His hand doesn't move. She can see him smiling that goofy excited grin of his out of the corner of her eye and tries to hide her own amusement. He could be infectious like that. This is his first. Due to their circumstances she finds it hard to enjoy these moments, but it's hard not to enjoy watching him. He had so much hope and she wouldn't take that from him. Another little jab and she puts one of her hands on top of his.

"That is…amazing. That's me and you in there." He kisses her cheek.

She turns her head so she is facing him, their faces barely an inch apart. "That's us, Darling."

"I love you."

"Love you too." She boops his nose.

They stay that like for a while, waiting for any more movements. Ignoring all the worries and questions. Ignoring the whole dang world. This moment was about them.

* * *

 **29 Weeks.**

Not every moment was sweet or cute.

Sometimes at night she cries. She blames hormones and they probably didn't help. Sometimes she would talk about it and sometimes she didn't. He would wrap his arms around her either way. Reminding her he wasn't going anywhere.

"Is it Adria again?" A few nights ago she had woken him up crying in her sleep begging for someone to let her hold a baby.

"No, not really." She wipes her face on his shirt sleeve. "I know this is different. This baby is different, but I can feel my body belonging to something else. I close my eyes and sometimes it can feel like I am trapped in my own body again. I'm not in control. I didn't get a say. I never get a say."

He kisses her forehead. He understands Qetesh really messed her up. He knows that the Ori made it worse when they forced that pregnancy on her. Also knows he had exasperated the problem because although it took two to tango, their relationship had again taken her body from her. He didn't have a say either, because he wouldn't have put her through this if he did. In a different world they would have talked about it. He would have made sure she was okay, really okay with having a child. "I'm so sorry." Is all he says.

"I know." Is all she answers.

* * *

 **32 Weeks**

"You know I don't understand how the people of Earth can be so behind most of the galaxy in everything. I mean how you survived as long as you did is amazing, but then you create magnificent things like this." She squeezes the body pillow closer to her. "This is magic. A pillow that wraps around your head, down your body and between your legs? Genius."

"I will let Bed Bath and Beyond know you approve." He says getting into bed next to her. He enjoys the body pillow too. Way more space for him then when she was using five pillows to sleep. "Speaking of which we should probably discuss names."

"How does that have anything to do with a body pillow?"

"Oh it doesn't. Just bringing it up again since you seem not interested every time I do. We are running out of time you know."

"I'll never understand why you name your children before you see them. Where I am from a baby might not be named until it's one. You fit the name to the person. Look at Cameron. Does he look like a Cameron to you?"

"Uhhh yes? I don't…know. We just do, maybe a baby can fit a name."

"Uh-huh yeah."

"Just throw some names out. We don't have to decide right this instant. I would just like to have an idea."

"I named the last kid I had."

"After a step mother you didn't like."

"Perfect reason you should just pick one. Besides we decided a Tau'ri name made more sense since said baby will grow up there and honestly they all sound weird to me. I mean, I love you, but Daniel? Daaaannnniieeeeellll. Strange letter placements."

"Not strange, just strange to you. I like my name. It's one of the oldest names in our history. It's classic."

"Is that why you like old stuffy civilizations so much?"

"No. What about Vala?"

"Vala is a blue flower that grows in fields on my home world. It's supposed to be good luck. Obviously has been for you, Darling."

"Haha. Look I've made a list of ones I like, just tell me one you don't hate." He picks up a pad of paper from his bedside table. "Which first, boy or girl?"

"Girl."

"Okay, how about Amelia?"

"No."

"Leah?"

"No."

"Elizabeth?"

"Nope."

"Grace?"

"Graaaaaace. Like the word?" She asks.

"Yeah, it can also be a name, but it can mean kindness, being thoughtful, showing mercy or even a prayer."

"Kind and thoughtful are two of my favorite characteristics about you. I like that one."

"Okay, keep Grace."

He goes through Julie, Abigail, Bethany, Emily, Lillian, Hannah, Jessica, Michelle, Paige and Claire. All of them receive a no.

"Staying with Grace then. Boys…uh…Owen."

"Knew an Owen once. He didn't like me." She scrunches up her face thinking of a son of hers named like that horrid little man.

"Did you double cross him?"

"Maybe…next." She bites one of her nails. Not a story for right now. Maybe ever.

"Luke." He continues.

"Wasn't that the guy in Star Wars?"

"Yes, does that matter?"

"Not sure, next."

"Matthew."

"I don't like the hew." She sounds it out, exaggerating the pronouncement.

"Alllllright how about Nicholas?"

"Oh that sounds pretty."

"It has shorter forms like Nick or Nicky."

"Nicchhhhhhhhhholas. Niccccccckkkkkkkk. I like that one."

"Okay." He looks at her for confirmation.

"Okay." She answers.

"We just named our kid."

"Yes, we did. Grace or Nicholas Mal Doran."

"Okay let's uh just sleep on those. And I will explain how Tau'ri last names work tomorrow."

* * *

 **35 weeks**

He likes to read to the belly. The baby responds to his voice at night and he loves reading out loud with one hand on her very pregnant abdomen. At this point when the baby rolls or moves position her entire stomach moves and he never gets tired of that.

She lets him read even though he picks the most boring books imaginable. She likes to watch him until she inevitably falls asleep because did she mention the book really was god awful? She loves watching him love a baby he hasn't even met. It reassures her everything is okay. Everything is different this time. He makes all the difference and she loves him for it. So she lets him read.

* * *

 **38 weeks**

Two weeks until she is due is when he starts to get really nervous. Stops doing his usual day to day things and starts making up reasons to be near her. She had started having Braxton hicks contractions a week before. They didn't help matters. Every time she rubs her belly, resituates herself or sucks in air with a bad one, he feels every muscle in his body tense.

She is sitting in a chair in the corner of their room flipping through a magazine at a pace that told him she wasn't actually reading any of it. "What is the point of these hicky thingies other than to annoy me? I've already had a baby so why do I need to practice?"

He glances up from his book. "Braxton hicks and it's how your body's muscles get ready. Drink some water and put your feet up. They should go away."

She sits up straight and puts both hands on her very large stomach. She takes in a deep breath and then relaxes again. "You know this Dr. Daniel stuff is kind of adorable. Or is it Midwife? Actually wouldn't that make you a midhusband?"

"It makes me the guy who knows a few things." He gets up from where he sits and pulls a chair over to put her feet up on. There is a bottle of water on the shelf next to her, he uncaps it and hands it to her. "Like how to keep you a little more comfortable." Now both chairs in the room are being occupied by her so he grabs his book and plants himself on floor next to her.

"Thank you sweetie, but that ship has sailed. There is no comfortable, just this…every day." Her head falls back against the wall and she whimpers.

"Almost there."

"Oh no. That is just as terrifying, thank you very much."

"It will be okay, Vala."

She runs her hand through his hair, making it look messy. "Yeah, that's what they all say."

He is right. The contractions taper off twenty minutes later. What a good midhusband he is.

* * *

 **38 weeks and 4 days**

They wake her up again early morning and she groans because this is two days in a row and all she wants to do is sleep. She doesn't know what time it is, but based on Daniel still being asleep she knows it's early. He is always up before her, somehow lives off of little sleep. She closes her eyes and tries to doze back off between them. Her feet are technically up so there isn't much to do, but wait for them to go away.

Except they don't go away. An hour later there is no sleeping. They seem a little more rhythmic, unlike the fake ones that come and go whenever they like. They aren't too close together, but are making her highly uncomfortable. She won't wake him yet, but she thinks this may be the real thing. No need to freak him out until she needs to, but lying down is torture right now. She sits up as she feels the next one start and leans forward, both hands on her knees. _Oh that feels so much better_. She feels him stir next to her and suddenly his hands are rubbing her back.

"They back?" He asks groggily.

"Mm-hm."

He keeps rubbing her lower back and waits for her to breathe it out. "Want me to get you water?'

"I think…I don't think that is going to help this time."

He moves from behind her and sits on the edge of the bed next to her. "Is this it?" He tries to keep his voice calm and even, but he feels everything opposite of calm.

"I think so." She stares straight in front of her, unmoving. She feels anxious. They had talked a million times about this and it still doesn't feel real. Maybe part of her had believed him when he said they could be home by now. She closes her eyes and for a moment she can see this being so different. They could be sitting on a bed in an apartment or maybe a home. It would be their place with little pieces of him and her throughout the rooms. A baby room would be ready somewhere, decorated by him because he is excited and she doesn't care what color the bedding is. They would drive to the SGC, have a baby and their only worries would be that the baby wasn't born in the car. That would be nice.

She takes in a deep inhale to pull herself together. She had to be strong for him because even now she doesn't want to lean on him. Even when she knows she could. Even when he had reminded her this entire pregnancy that he was here and she didn't have to do it all alone the Vala way. She doesn't let go well or often and decides they both have to be there for each other. So she pulls herself together. "This is it." She looks over to see his reaction, her poor sweet boy who tries so hard.

"Everything is going to be fine." He assures her…and probably himself.

She nods in agreement. Of course because neither of them can stand the thought that it won't.

He takes her face into his hands and leans in toward her. "You've got this. And I have you."

"I know." She kisses him briefly. "I'm going to take a shower."

He stands up and offers her his hands to pull her up. She lets him and walks over and into the bathroom. The doors slide and close behind her. He falls back on the bed. "Breathe, Daniel, Breathe."

* * *

He is pacing outside the door. Waiting for her to come out, for her to ask him in, but all he hears is the water running. He doesn't want to hover. They had talked about that. She felt suffocated at Adria's birth. So many women, Tomin and a guard all staring at her. The women barked orders and did things to her without asking. He had promised himself he would make this as easy as he could. Less was more with her. Her body knew this, had done it before and she would ask if she needed him. So he paces.

After about thirty minutes he can't stand it. He enters, silently and sits on top of the toilet lid and watches. She is swaying back and forth, hands on the tile wall in front of her. Her breathing is even controlled and slow, just like he had showed her. When she stands back up and shakes her hands out he notes the time on his watch.

"I'm here." He announces, not wanting to scare her. "You need anything?"

She glances over at him. She wants to say more time. "No." She places both hands on her belly and wishes this child would stay there a little longer, but she never gets a say. "The water makes it feel better. Not better…more manageable. Just want to stay here for a while. That okay?"

He nods. "You lead. I'm here if you need me. "

"I might not be my usual delightful self through this, you know." She puts her head back under the shower head and lets the water run through her hair and down her back.

He doesn't answer. He watches and waits. Looks at his watch when she lets him know one starts and notes how far apart they are. After about an hour her water breaks and they hit two minutes apart. The water stops working and she gets out. He grabs a towel, wraps it around her and helps her out.

"Wait!" She turns to the wall opposite the shower and braces herself, swaying back and forth again. He presses his palms into her lower back enough to give counter pressure, but not enough to stop her from moving. She moans and slaps her hand against the wall. She cries out, but not from the contraction. "I don't want to do this here. Not here."

"Hey, hey, hey you've got this." He encourages her. It lasts a full minute and he doesn't want to rush her, but he would feel better if they were at the medical deck. He had already called Sam to ask her to set up for him.

Once the contraction is over he helps dry her off and wrap her hair in the towel. "I think we should move. Do you think you can?"

She nods.

* * *

It is the longest four hours of his life. And that isn't even long in the realm of birth, but watching her go through this breaks his heart. Sometimes he can only watch because she doesn't want to be touched and then moments later she will reach for him. Sometimes they are dancing, arms wrapped around each other in slow movements. Sometimes she cries between contractions and all he can do is say all the cliché things the dads tend to say. She can do it. He was right there. Soon she would be holding her baby. All the things that didn't matter because her body had taken over and all she knew was the pain. She moans and groans into his chest and squeezes his arm. He keeps kissing the top of her head because he doesn't really know what he is doing. He had never been part of the birth where the baby was his.

Transition comes and he knows it. She is tiring and says she can't do it with every other contraction. Her legs are shaking and so are his hands because soon she is going to push their child into the world.

He is trying not to think about how tired his arms are because how stupid is it to complain about something like that. That is when she pushes. He hears her grunt and she drops in his arms when she bends her knees. He waits for the contraction to end. "Okay, sweetheart on the bed. Come on." He pulls her over and she is shaking her head no, but she crawls onto the bed anyway. She doesn't lie down, but kneels on the bed with both hands on her knees. "Not on my back."

"That's fine. This is fine." He pulls the cart he and Sam had readied over to the bed and pulls on some gloves. "Okay I'm going to check and see where you are. You're going to feel a little pressure." He checks her and feels the baby's head is low, almost crowning. "Okay Beautiful, baby is right there. You can push when you feel like it."

She shakes her head no again. She can feel her whole body shaking. She can feel the baby ready to slide out of her, but she isn't ready.

He keeps one hand between her legs and the other pushes stray hairs out of her face. "Hey, you can do this, Vala. You can."

"No,no, no, no. I can't." The next contraction starts and she cries out. She pants, not giving in to what her body is trying to do. "They took her. They took my baby. I couldn't protect her anymore after she was born." The contraction reaches its climax and she can't speak anymore. She just pants and looks at him begging for help he can't give.

"Vala, listen to me. This is different. I am here and I will protect the baby. Four other people on this ship will protect this baby. No one is taking this child from you. EVER. I won't let that happen. Now, your body is going to do this with or without your help, but if you push this is all over, Vala. You get your body back and all of this will be over."

She lets go. She lets go of every fear in her. Thirty four weeks of fear since she found out about this babe. The fear of having that child that was a part of you out in the world. A scary world with scary things and people. She lets go of the fears of being a parent and the loss of a child and she pushes.

"Oh, oh okay good good. Deep breath and again sweetheart." He has both hands on the baby's head, guiding it out. "Head's out. Great job sweetie. You are so close."

It's only a moment before the next pain and she is pushing before he has to tell her. She bears down with every last bit of strength in her and she feels the baby slide out.

"Oh my God. He's here. Oh, he is right here." Daniel suctions the baby's nose and mouth until one loud wail fills the room.

Vala looks down at the squirmy little thing. Covered in gunk and little fists waving in the air of a world he shouldn't be in. For the first time, she doesn't care. Her Daniel is crying, wiping tears away on his sleeve while he wipes the little boy down a bit. He cuts the cord, wraps the boy up and hands him to her. She holds him. No one takes him away. She holds her son and Daniel rips his gloves off to hold them both. "Nicholas." She whispers.

"A boy. Our boy." Places his hand on one of the baby's fists and kisses her temple. "We have a boy and you are amazing. I love you."

"I love you." She says back. "And I love you." She says to their son.

* * *

 **8 weeks**

Daniels eyes flash open. He rubs them and feels for his glasses on the stand next to him. He puts them on and lets his eyes focus. He is a little disoriented, but it all comes flooding back. He was in their room on the Odyssey. He glances over at Vala sleeping.

He remembers the dream. It had felt so real. He turns in bed so he is facing her. He smiles because despite everything it was a good dream. Despite this ship it was a good dream. He nestles into her and gently places a hand over her abdomen, still flat at this point. He wonders what will happen. He wonders if it really is a boy.


	4. The Cradle Will Fall

**WARNING: This chapter portrays pregnancy loss.**

 **Day 1**

Kitchen duty is by far her least favorite chore, but they rotate and this week the industrial ship size kitchen falls on her. She has wiped down the counters, swept, mopped, washed any dishes left from breakfast that morning and now it was time for the dreaded oven. She opens the oven door and kneels next to it with the bucket of soapy water. She can't use the usual spray cleaner because Daniel had warned her about fumes while pregnant. Since they aren't ready to tell anyone yet she can't ask to be taken off certain duties. They would have to explain why, so she improvises where she needs to. She takes the scouring sponge and dips it in the bucket and pauses for a slight cramp low in her hips. Not the first of the day, but certainly trying to demand her attention. She remembers this from last time. Something about the muscles stretching or something. She doesn't think much about it and goes about scrubbing the oven.

It happens again five minutes later.

Ten minutes after that she feels another, but this time the cramp is strong and stretches across her entire lower midsection. It feels like a belt tightening around her. This isn't like last time at all. She waits for it to pass, but instead it grows stronger. She places a hand against the cabinet next to her to brace herself. Her muscles are so tight it almost feels like a labor pain. The cramp recedes enough that she feels she can move, but it's still there, a constant. With one hand against her abdomen she quickly pulls herself up and makes her way out of the kitchen. She hopes she doesn't run into any of the others before she makes it to him.

* * *

Daniel is doing what he always does. Same room, same thing, different day. Although he hasn't made many notes and he keeps staring off into the distance. Too much on his mind today and he turns the Asguard holo off realizing he isn't going to get anything done. He barely turns to the door when she crashes in. She hits the doorframe hard and leans against the wall, both arms wrapped around her middle. He is beside her in an instant. He pulls her up and she looks at him with a panicky expression that makes his stomach drop. He can't even ask what is wrong as she doubles over and groans. He pulls her into his arms, picks her up and is running her to the medical bay before either of them say a word.

There isn't anything anyone can do, not even him. He knows before he places her on the bed. He knows before he sees the blood. What he doesn't know is what to do. Vala is in the fetal position holding her stomach, breathing through the pain. There are no doctors, no medical professionals to help. All he can do is watch and hope she comes out of this okay. Because he can't handle the alternative.

He feels numb and powerless. He holds her hand, kisses her head, changes her or the linens on the bed when needed, but for the most part he just watches her suffer. He watches their child fade away.

The hard ones last over an hour. The ones where she shys away if he tries to hold her. The ones that make her writhe and curl up. The ones that make him want to scream out to the universe that enough was enough. He wanted to beg and plead for this to stop, for her to be okay. Except he knows no one is listening and no one is going to help.

After that she lets him know they are still there, but not as bad. The bleeding has slowed somewhat, but she looks pale. He doesn't want to think about how much blood she has lost. Doesn't want to think about what they lost. He pulls a chair up to her bed. She lies there. He sits. She doesn't cry. He could. They don't speak.

* * *

"I think it's almost over." She whispers. It's much later. Probably around dinner time. The rest of the group would be sitting down to dinner, wondering where they were. Someone would come looking. She doesn't want to be here when they do.

He doesn't answer, just puts his hand on her shoulder. She doesn't pull away this time and he wants to hold her so bad. Wants to feel her because she is his comfort and he wants to feel anything other than this anguish that is gnawing in his chest. Knows he can't ask that of her.

"I don't want to be here anymore." She adds. "Can we go back to the room?"

He would give her anything. He can't give her anything. Grabs some of the padding to take with them and carefully puts his arms under and lifts her up and against him. She winces and he watches her face carefully, waiting until he can move with her. She nods and he takes her away. Not wanting to ever come back. Wondering if it is fair to ask Sam to clean up. Not caring because none of this is fair.

He lays her in their bed. He lies next to her. She watches the wall and he watches her. Eventually he puts his arms around her. They fall asleep like that.

* * *

 **Day 2**

He wakes up before her. At some point she had moved away from him and is again in a fetal position on the edge of her side of the bed. She is so pale. Pale enough that he hesitates and then reaches out to take her pulse on her neck. He lets out the biggest sigh of relief to feel that she is still with him.

His stomach growls because they missed two meals yesterday. Doesn't know if she will want to eat, but wants to have something for her because she needs to eat or at the least drink. He carefully rolls off the bed, gets dressed and quietly exits the room.

She is awake, but doesn't let him know. She listens to him leave and opens her eyes. She slowly sits up. Her stomach muscles are sore and it hurts to move. The cramping has stopped. Did sometime last night after he had fallen asleep. She needs to pee and change her pads. She wants to go back to sleep, go back to oblivion. She moves instead and immediately gets dizzy and falls back down on the bed. She ignores the room spinning and pulls herself back up. She braces against anything she can reach to get to the bathroom. She refuses to be knocked down by this.

After changing she pulls on the silk robe he got her for Christmas. The cold material feels good on her skin. She stands in the middle of the room, not sure what to do. She is still tired, but doesn't want to lie down anymore. Doesn't want her body dictating and deciding what she does. She doesn't want to sit or do anything. So she stands still.

He finds her like that. The door opens and he expects to find her still asleep. He stops abruptly, startled to find her just standing there. He sets the tray of food he brought back on the desk to his left.

"I didn't know if you would be hungry." He says instead of what he wants to say which is he's sorry this happened. Wants to ask if she is ok, but knows she isn't. Wants to ask what he can do, knows she will say nothing. Instead he simply comes up behind her letting her know he was there without saying any of the cliché things that keep coming to his mind.

"Thank you."

"Don't…God… you don't have to thank me for anything." He moves to be in front of her so he can see her face. "Vala, I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Not your fault."

"It isn't your fault either. You know that, right?"

She nods her head slightly, but he doesn't believe her.

"Vala, listen to me. There is nothing you could do."

She half opens her mouth and then closes it. Four years later and there are still moments she struggles to talk to him. Knows he would listen, but still struggles. Too many walls put up over the years. "No, I know that. I just…I feel sad. I do, but what I feel more than that is relief. How horrible of a mother am I that I feel relief when my children cease to be?"

He takes her face in his hands. "No, no sweetheart. Don't think that. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are also allowed to feel relieved because this isn't a life for anyone, let alone a baby. You feel whatever you want to."

"I don't want to feel anything right now, Daniel." She looks at him and then crawls back into bed because despite not wanting to lie down she has used all her energy up. She has nothing left. She is empty. She feels deafening empty where yesterday there was a small life inside her.

* * *

 **Day 3**

The bleeding has stopped and just like that it was over. Her body could go back to normal and it was like it never happened.

Except it did. She has one little pee stick left that says it did. They had kept it for some reason in a drawer in the bathroom. She gets it out and looks at it. She lets it fall in the trash. Daniel is emptying the trash regularly right now so neither of them had to look at the bloody medical pads. She wishes he had left something in there because those two blue lines are sitting in the trash staring at her. Almost taunting her. So she grabs the roll of toilet paper and unravels the whole thing into the trash can. Now she can't see the two blue lines. Good.

He enters sometime later with another tray of food. He keeps pushing food on her. She obliged last night to make him feel better. Today, she doesn't care or need to make him feel better.

"I made your favorite. Bacon omelet with extra bacon." He sets the tray down on the bed.

She barely glances at it. "No thank you."

"Okay, what about some milk or orange juice? Are you thirsty?"

"No." She gets up from where she sits and walks to the other side of the room. It was starting to feel small. She wants to leave. She wants space and she knows she could go to the damn hanger bay, the biggest area on the ship, and she still wouldn't have enough space. She hates this ship.

"Hey, come here." He tries to pull her toward him, but she pushes him away. He takes a step back toward her and she places a hand on his chest to keep him where he is.

"Vala."

His sad pity filled tone is more than she can take. "I don't want to talk, Daniel."

They stand there for a moment and then she pounds her other fist into his chest. It feels good and angry. She does it again and he lets her.

"You said-" She hits him again. "You made me-" And again. "You made me think this would-" Now she is pounding him non-stop. He stumbles back a bit, but she steps toward him and keeps at it. "-be okay! You said it would and it's not. It's not okay!" She screams.

He stops her by wrapping his arms around her. She wiggles and fights to get free, but he holds her. "I know! I know and I'm sorry!" He says into her ear.

She is sobbing against him, still trying to push him off of her. Her knees give out and they both drop to the ground. He pulls her back into him and she gives up and lets him.

She burrows into him except she can't get close enough. Feels his arms around her, but they don't surround her enough. Wants to fall completely into him until all she feels is him instead of the ache and emptiness that fills every inch of her.

He doesn't tell her it is okay because it isn't. Doesn't tell her not to be angry because he is too. It felt unfair when she became pregnant. It had seemed worst case scenario. He had been wrong. This, this moment right here was worse.

So they sit there against their bed feeling raw and broken. Trying not to think about a baby that never should have been, but they mourn anyway.


	5. Gravity

**Gravity**

She sits on the floor, back to the wall thumbing through an art book Sam thought might interest her. The depictions of stills and life created in different brushstrokes and technique occupy her attention just enough. This bothers her since years ago this would have bored her to death. Wonders if she is losing her touch as she gets older or if this ship is stealing bits of herself. Given their recent loss, she blames the ship.

Daniel mumbles to himself for the fiftyish time today and brings her back to the present. She rolls her eyes because she is so tired of Daniel watch 24/7. His presence these days annoys her. He doesn't do anything so aggravating that she outright kicks him out, he just skates the surface of her patience. He doesn't ask if she is okay every chance he gets. He doesn't smother her, touch her in ways that convey pity or worry. No, he knows better than that. He waits for her to make a move or speak, stays near, but out of her way and does whatever she wants to do. He tells her how much he loves her so many times she feels saturated with him. She has told him to go back to his daily activities, but he lies and says his current study can be done here with her. So he stays, watches and mumbles. Drives her wonko.

She closes the art book and he glances at her. It's the final straw for today. Old Daniel wouldn't have noticed every move she made when he was working. He would have been so absorbed in his reading that she could leave the room sometimes and he wouldn't notice until later. This Daniel was hyper aware of her these days. He was on edge and that made her feel more so.

"I'm going to go for a walk." She announces, standing up.

"Want company?"

"Definitely not. Please stay here."

" Oh…okay."

He scrunches his forehead, looking hurt and she knows she is being unfair. He is trying, but she finds she has more than enough anger these days to go around. Even for him.

"I love you." He whispers.

"I know." She leaves him alone to ponder her thinly veiled hostility.

* * *

All the halls look the same. She walks aimlessly down them and years ago she would have been lost by now. These days she knows everything by heart.

She can hear Mitchell coming before she sees him, but doesn't have a place to run to so she keeps going and hopes he will just run right past her.

Cameron enters sight, nods at her, runs past and she thinks she is safe until she hears his sneakers stop. _Cannot catch a break today._ She doesn't turn to acknowledge him, but he walks up to her anyway.

"Hi." He says between heavy breathing.

"Hello."

Then there is the awkward pause. The one where he realizes anything he might have to say will not make this moment go smoothly and maybe he should just run. He tries anyway. They all do.

"How are you?"

"Fine." Simple, short and a lie.

"Good. You know our dinners are quiet without you."

"Oh really? Funny you all seem to want me to shut up most of the time. Tell me I talk non-stop, but the first time I actually don't want to talk and everyone tells me I'm too quiet. You know, I don't think you people know what you want. Thank you for your care and concern. I'll try to pencil you in this evening so I can liven up your life." She regrets it the minute she says it. "Sorry. Please ignore that. Ignore me. I'm not good this." She gives him a flat smile, quickly turns from him and continues down the hall.

Cameron watches her go and stares in her direction even after she is no longer in view.

* * *

Vala doesn't come back and Daniel finds her later that night after feeling he had given her all the space his sanity could handle. Takes him awhile, but he finds her in her old room. She is fast asleep on her bed and it looks like she has been crying.

She is shutting him out. He can feel it in the way she moves so slightly away if they touch and in every single 'I know' she answers instead of I love you too.

He lets the door slide back shut in front of him and ignores the inclination to crawl in bed with her.

"Please…please don't run." He whispers into the door.

* * *

She wakes up alone and has to orient herself to where she is. She sits up, rubs her tired eyes and remembers where she had hid, her old room. She hadn't meant to fall asleep. She had only meant to be alone and that had turned into tears she couldn't seem to be able to stop.

She has always been able to get back up, but this time there is a gravity holding her and she feels herself sinking. She doesn't know how to tell him what is happening. So she pretends. She is good at that, but usually she is better at fooling herself too.

"Stop it." This isn't helping. She lies back down and wills herself back to sleep. She isn't really tired anymore, but if she closes her eyes, oblivion is better than what usually comes. Her mind is her worst enemy. She can't seem to stop the simple glimpses of a baby or Daniel rocking a chubby little infant to sleep. She can't will them away. So she picks sleep and hopes that if she dreams, she won't remember.

* * *

Sometime early in the morning there is a knock on her door. She is halfway to the door before she remembers no one knows she is here. She keys the door to open, but no one is there. She looks down the hallway each way, but it's deserted. She looks down and there is a large pad of paper and a pack of drawing pencils on the ground. She picks them up and takes them back to her bed. Opening the book she sees a note written on the first page:

 _I'm not sure if this will help, but it once helped me. After the crash the air force threw a lot of psychologists at me, but it wasn't my thing. One of them gave me a drawing pad where I could write or draw if I felt like. It helped and I thought you might like it more than the rest of us talking. Sorry, I'm not very good at this either. I think you and I are alike when it comes to keeping things to ourselves._

 _Cam_

If anyone could still surprise her after all this time, it was Mitchell. He was very sweet, even if misguided. Still, she stares at the blank page and more out of boredom, takes out a pencil and starts to doodle. The lines are random and meaningless at first. After a moment she starts to draw something familiar. It's a field close to where she grew up. Her mother used to take her there when the flowers bloomed every year. They would pick white and yellow flowers and make chains of them to brighten their little home. She hadn't thought about that in a long time. She hardly thought about her mother at all actually. Now drawing the field her heart aches for her. What she wouldn't give right now just to talk to her. Just to get her perspective or to feel her arms wrap around her like she did when she was younger. That secure feeling that everything was going to be all right because your mother said so. _Something you will never do with your own children._

The unwanted thought enters her mind so quickly. She throws the drawing pad across the room. It hits a wall and falls to the floor. One hand covers her mouth as she begins to cry, willing it to be silent. She falls back so that the is lying down, pulls her knees up to her chest and sobs for a mother she hasn't cried over since she was a teenager. Damn Mitchell.

* * *

Daniel knocks first. When he doesn't get an answer he just enters because she has avoided him for two days and he just needs to know she is okay. Her room is empty. Well on first inspection it is. Her toiletries sit on the desk. He can see her dresser drawers just slightly open, full of her clothes once again. He spins around and sees every possession she owns. All these things had been in their room this morning when he left it. She had moved out of the room they shared.

He spins around again trying to wrap his mind around what is happening when his eyes stop on something he has never seen before, an artist's drawing pad, open on her bed. He walks over and sees she has drawn in it. His curiosity gets the better of him and he looks through it. The first couple pages he doesn't recognize, a field, a small home and a woman he has never seen. The next couple are familiar, one of him, of Sam, of the team. Then she breaks his heart because the next ones are of children and he doesn't have to guess who they belong to. The girls have her hair and eyes. The one of a boy looks like an old photograph of him. The last page is of a little girl with bouncing pigtails chasing a dog in a yard of a perfect little house. He closes the pad back feeling like he has betrayed her. He backs away and exits the room, suddenly needing to be somewhere else. The room is too much with all her things moved back in and pictures of things they can't have. It's all too much.

* * *

When he finally enters their room, she is sitting on the bed waiting for him. He stops just in the doorway. "Hey."

"Hi." She waits to see if he says anything, not sure how to start what she needs to say, but he stands silently, studying her. "I just wanted to say sorry…for the other day. Actually for most days."

"It's okay. I understand." He simply says. He takes a seat on the desk chair, arms resting on his legs and hands folded in front of him. "This is hard for me too. I feel like anything I do is wrong. I want to help and I don't know how."

"You can't fix this, Daniel."

"I-" He starts, but she cuts him off.

"No, Daniel. I need you to actually listen for a minute. I think I need some time, time away from us."

"Uhh. Can we-." He tries to think of his next words carefully, but his mind has gone blank because her words have hit him like a ton of bricks. "Sorry, let me start that again. I'm sorry if I've been over protective. I've just been worried. I can back off. Whatever you need."

"I'm telling you what I need. I know myself. I know what is about to happen and I don't want you to see that."

"I don't understand. Wha-what is about to happen?"

She inhales deeply. "I've done this before, once. After…after they removed Qetesh. It was bad. I went to a very dark place. I don't really want to talk about it. All I know is I feel it. It's pulling me in. It's going to pull you down with me. I can't let that happen."

"So you're doing this for me?"

"Both of us."

"Okay, I understand you're in pain. So am I, but I think we need each other right now." He moves the chair closer and reaches out for her hand.

She shakes her head and moves her hands out of his reach. "You can't save me this time, Daniel. This isn't the blues we all get from time to time. This is different."

"Okay-" His folded hands come up under his chin, "If this is as bad as you say then I can't just let you go and do this alone."

"You can because I am asking you to. I don't want to hurt you and I will. I know you too well."

"Then you know how much I need you."

"That's part of the problem. I can't even help myself and you are spending all your energy on me. You need to heal too." She shifts herself on the bed so that she is on the edge, both feet now on the floor, but is careful to stay out of his reach.

"I don't want you worrying about me."

"If I stay here I will fight you. I will push you away. I am going to hurt you. I'm angry all the time, all the time. Angry at this the ship. Angry at you when you have done nothing. I'm angry that part of me thinks if you had brushed me off that first night we wouldn't be here. There would have been no baby and we wouldn't have to go through this."

"No, don't. Don't wish all that back. Right now we are hurting, but that doesn't define what we have. This is just one moment. I love you. I know you love me. Don't make the last four years mean nothing."

"No, it's not nothing. It's everything. That's why this is so hard." She looks off into a vacant corner of the room unable to make eye contact anymore. "I can't reconcile loving you and the anger that this happened because of that. I don't know how to let you touch me when I know one day we will want more. I don't know if I can give us that because I can't…ever do this again. I can't bring another child into being and there isn't anything that can guarantee that won't happen again. Can you promise me? Can you promise me we won't make another child a year from now? Two years from now?"

"Sex? Vala, if this about sex then you don't have to worry. I can deal with that."

"What kind of relationship is that? That would make us friends again. Go back to before."

"No-No not like before. I love you. We can be" He throws both hands in the air.

"I told you I need space."

"That isn't what you mean. You're leaving. I can give you space. I can walk away and let you heal in whatever way you need. I would do that for you without another word, but we both know you run. You run from anything and anyone that actually wants to help you."

"Where would I run to, Daniel? We're stuck. I'm moving half a hallway down. I'm not really going anywhere."

"Don't." He gets on the floor and kneels in front of her. "You know it would mean more than that. Don't leave. Let me help you."

She puts her hands on both sides of his face. "My sweet, sweet, Daniel. I'm broken, always have been. I love you, but we need to step back." She stops, looks away again so maybe he won't notice how much this is hurting her. She needs him to just let her go.

"Leaving me is not going to help."

"Staying won't either. Maybe when we get home..." She says it, but doesn't believe it. He knows from her tone.

"I love your good, your bad and your everything in between. I don't care whatever is about to happen, I will fight it with you. I love you." He's pleading at this point.

"I know. That's why I have to do this alone." She kisses his forehead gently and releases him. She stands and quickly walks out of the room before he can stop her.

"Vala!" He yells after her, but she leaves and the doors close behind her.

He starts to go after her and then stops himself. Decides to go anyway and stops himself again. What just happened? He can't believe that two weeks ago he had the love of his life and a kid on the way and now he has lost both of them. This ship has stolen his time and his life already. Now it has taken his family too. For the first time since they first became stuck, he feels truly alone.


	6. Leaning Towers

_I can't breathe without you,_

 _Let me breathe it all,_

 _They say leaning towers,_

 _Only stand together left alone we fall- Leaning Towers Matt Woods_

* * *

Daniel knocks on the door and waits. He puts both hands in his green BDU's and rehearses the speech he has prepared.

The door opens and she stands there in a black tee and grey underwear only. He quickly glances down both sides of the hallway and then back to her. "How did you know it was me?"

"Everyone else knows to leave me alone. One night is not space, Daniel."

"No, I know, but-"

She cuts him off because she cried all night, is insanely tired and even more angry because it hurts to be with him and away from him right now. "You once called me an emotional unstable wreck. Well you were right. This is the emotional unstable part, which you admitted you knew about when you kissed me that night. You knew when we slept together and when we continued to sleep together. This is who I am. I've asked you not even twelve hours ago to let me go be unstable. What part of any of that did you not understand?"

"I-I didn't mean that when I said it. You aren't unstable."

"You did. I am. I'm going back to bed."

"Vala-" He gets her name out only before the door closes between them.

 **A week later**

He can't sleep because even though he slept alone for most of his life, a few years with her and the space she leaves in their bed is considerable. Most nights he finds himself tossing and turning until he eventually ends up walking the halls. He walks by her door more times than he cares to admit. Tonight, with his back to the wall, he slides down and sits on the floor across from her door. His head falls back against the cold metal and he waits. He doesn't know why he listens to it. Maybe he is a glutton for punishment. Maybe it is his way to be near her when she needs him, but pushes him away. Maybe he makes himself listen to remind himself she left for a reason.

She screams out in her sleep and it makes his heart skip a beat. It scares him every time in more way than one. He hears it most nights when he passes by.

He balls his fists tight to stop himself from running in there. His needs seem to be in conflict with hers these days. They both can't have what they want and he knows bounding in there would only make her angry.

He misses her.

 _He walks into the kitchen, coffee mug in hand. Vala, at the fridge, quickly closes the door at his entrance. In her hands is a pie plate with a missing finger full out of the middle. Cameron must have made one of his mom's pies again._

 _Usually he would scold her, maybe make a joke, but the tension between them is unmistakable. "I won't tell."_

" _Thanks." She whispers, licking her finger clean. She picks up a fork and walks around him to leave._

" _Just…can I ask if you are all right?"_

" _You could, but I don't have it in me to lie to you today."_

" _I miss you."_

 _She doesn't even turn back to face him. "I miss you too, but that doesn't change anything."_

Someone kicks his shoe and he wakes abruptly. "Ah!"

"She'll kick your ass if she finds you out here." Mitchell says, standing above him.

Daniel looks to him and his jogging wear which tells him it is early morning. "Yeah, thanks." He pushes himself up and off the floor. He ignores his back muscles that ache from sleeping against a metal wall.

Mitchell pats his shoulder and resumes his run. He turns back and runs backwards, "You know what happened to my pie?"

"No idea." Daniel lies.

* * *

Sam knocks on Vala's door. When there is no answer she knocks again.

"Go away, Daniel." Vala yells through the walls.

"It's not Daniel. It's Sam."

"Oh."

The door slides open. Vala looks like a mess. Her unkempt hair seems windblown and wild. There are dark circles under her eyes and the usual color in her cheeks now looks blanched.

"Can I come in?"

"Umm…not a great time. Can I find you later?"

"Please?" Sam flashes a hopeful smile.

Vala reluctantly moves out of the way to let Sam in. She stands a moment waiting for whatever to happen and be over with, but when Sam sits on the edge of the bed she realizes this won't be quick. She joins her and sits as well.

Sam opens a bag and hands a pint of ice cream and a spoon to Vala. She pulls out the same for herself.

"You can talk and eat or you can just eat. Up to you."

Vala takes a giant spoonful of her favorite ice cream and crams it in her mouth, staring at Sam.

"Just the ice cream then." Sam nods and then starts digging into her own.

They eat in silence until Vala is scraping the bottom of hers.

Sam smiles, takes the container and spoon back from Vala. "If you need anything all you have to do is ask you know."

Vala nods her head. She opens her mouth to speak and then closes it. Then opens it again, "Did Daniel put you up to this?"

"No, I'm your friend. I came because I wanted to." Sam smiles.

* * *

Vala lies in the middle of the bed staring up at the ceiling. The grey, dull ceiling she has stared at for years when she couldn't sleep. Except now it's somewhere in the middle of the day and she just doesn't have the energy to get up.

Her face is the only part of her that is visible as she has rolled herself up tightly in the comforter. She's been like this for a while. Maybe days, she can't remember. She isn't surprised when there is a knock on the door. Knew someone would come because they care. They care so much it makes her hurt more.

She doesn't answer the door even when there is a second knock. Five minutes later she hears her door unlock and knows Sam had overrode the controls. A few minutes after that her friend walks in. She glances over at Sam through tear filled vision and utters the only words she can. "Please go away." She pleads.

Sam leaves a tray of food on her nightstand, nods unwillingly and steps back outside the room.

* * *

Vala finds a new room that night while everyone is sleeping. She crawls into an empty bed, in an empty room on a floor none of them use and wonders how long it will take them to find her. A part of her hopes they don't. That if they left her alone long enough the dark thoughts of her mind would grow outward and around her until she became dull grey nothing like the ship.

They wouldn't do that though. They cared too much.

* * *

It takes a week for them to find her. Daniel walks in without warning and stares at her for a long minute. She starts to wonder if they are going to just stare at each other when he finally speaks.

"I know you want to be left alone, but you can't just disappear like that." He picks a radio out of his pocket. "I found her."

"She okay?" Laundry's voice comes through not even a second later.

"Yeah, I think so." He puts the radio back into his pocket. "Do you-do you have any idea how worried we've been?"

She stares at him.

"Sam checked the power levels everywhere trying to find you. We've been going room by room, floor by floor looking for you for days. I mean how have you been in here and this room hasn't pulled any power to register on the system?" He kneels next to her and that is when he notices her dry chapped lips, sunken white cheeks and dark eyes. "Vala-have you- when was the last time you ate?"

She stares at him.

"Enough." He stands up and pulls her into his arms. She feels light, lighter than when he had carried her back to their room after the miscarriage. She doesn't fight him. She puts one arm around his neck and lets her head rest against his shoulder as he carries her to the elevator.

He takes her to her room and sets her on the bed. Without a word he goes into the bathroom and she hears the shower turn on. He takes the desk chair and takes it in, then comes back for her.

He takes off her clothing and she's too tired to fight him. He carries her into the shower where the chair is waiting. He sets her gently in it and pushes the chair so that the water runs down her hair and the back of the chair. He kicks his shoes and socks off, but keeps the rest of his clothing on.

He washes her hair first and the water trickling down her arms and legs feels good. He takes the soap and washes her body. They've done this a thousand times before playfully. Laughing, kissing, touching and exploring while water wrapped them both together. He would look at her with wide adoring eyes and she would know in those moments she was everything to him. Now, as he kneels in front, clothes soaked and sticking to his skin he looks so different. His eyes are tired and have lost the brightness she has always loved about them. That's her fault.

He is so gentle with her and yet he seems so frantic. She wants to touch his cheek and reassure him, but she doesn't have any assurance to give. She is so tried. She feels like she sleeps all the time, but she is always tired and the water and the lavender soap is lulling her back. She closes her eyes.

She awakes later and she is alone again. There is water and food next to the bed with a note demanding she eat. She does if only just so he doesn't force feed her when he returns.

Except he doesn't. Sam does with more ice cream.

Then General Landry who reads to her from a book of poems. She finds it oddly soothing and thanks him as he leaves. The words stumble out of her mouth as the first thing she has said in over a week.

Cameron brings one of his mother's pies and they eat the whole thing together with him rambling on and on about the secret to the apple pie is a brown paper bag. She smiles and it doesn't seem forced.

Teal'c doesn't say or do anything when he comes. Which was odd at first, but then she tends to like her time with him best because he requires nothing from her at all.

All of them visit for the next week to check up on her. Everyone, but him.

* * *

It's been almost a month since it happened. Two weeks since he carried her back up here. Two weeks of the team keeping her company or just making sure she stayed put. A few years ago she would have pushed them all away and refused help. A few years ago she would have picked herself up by now. They've made her rusty or he's made her soft.

She feels better for the most part. Maybe his little knight in shining armor routine had helped. More likely it was the shower where it felt like that black film that enveloped her life dripped off her and swirled down the drain. Maybe it was both, but she is reluctant to give him credit. That says more than she can handle right now. So does the fact that every time her door opens, she is hoping it's his face she sees.

* * *

Two nights later she sneaks out because now that they make her eat regularly she seems hungry all the time. She had to wait until everyone else was asleep so she could steal the good stuff from Cameron's secret stash she has always known about. She's trying to get a better hold on the jar of hot fudge without dropping the chips when she about smacks into him. His hands grab both her arms to steady her and she ignores the tingle that gives her. He lets go almost immediately, glances at her arm full of food and steps aside to bypass her.

"Are you angry with me?" She spins around toward him.

He puts both hands in his pockets and half turns toward her, but keeps his eyes averted. "No, I'm not mad at you. Just mad I guess."

"Oh. I just wanted to make sure because I didn't mean to-"

"I know." He interrupts.

"Yes, well I guess I should thank you then."

"You don't have to."

"No, I do. Or I want to anyway. Thank you that is."

"Of course. We were friends first, weren't we?"

He smiles politely. A friendly smile. One that makes her sick to her stomach because even though she was the one who walked away she can't stand that informal expression from him. A friendly smile like they are just friends. She doesn't want to be friends. She had fought for him and then for them. She loves him, always would and wasn't that worth something? She wonders if he really believes that friend crap she handed him. Like they could go back to that. They wouldn't. It would be a lifetime of polite unfeeling smiles where they pretended they had never happened. She wanted more than that. Didn't he know this is what she did? Things get scary and she runs. Well forget that. She had put too much work into this. She enjoyed life with him, enjoyed him. She opens her mouth to say any of this to him, but he cuts her off.

"Well it's late. I was just going to bed. Unless you needed anything?"

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. "No. No, I'm fine." Liar.

"Well I will see you around." He turns and leaves her and her stolen snacks.

His words are like micro cuts. They'd see each other around. Not seek each other out, no holding hands while watching a movie, no footsie under the covers first thing in the morning. No more feeling spent and satisfied when they were intertwined and he seemed to fill her up. He had filled her up. Filled her with a baby and that reminds her of another reason she had walked away. It was what had brought them to this very point. Being together would always mean there was a chance of another child. So she would see him around. They would see each other around on this ship that eventually took everything from you.

* * *

Sam enters the room and kneels in front of her. "I want you to come have lunch with me today."

She starts to shake her head no.

"Please."

Vala studies Sam. She knows exactly what her friend is doing. She really does appreciate it somewhere deep inside, but she really would just like to be left alone. They hardly let her be these days. "Can I say no?"

"You could, but I already have bacon wrapped meatloaf in the oven annnnnnnd there will be mashed potatoes and butter rolls."

"I love those." One of the few times the whole team had treated her to dinner off of the mountain she had had that exact meal and had remarked on how it was one of the best things she had ever tasted. It was sweet of Sam to remember.

"I know. So have lunch with me."

"Fine, but I do it under protest."

"Protest noted."

Vala peaks her head into their dining area, but as promised it's just Sam.

"Great timing. Have a seat." Sam says placing a steaming bowl of mashed potatoes on the table.

She had gone all out on this one. Table cloth, actual plates, glasses of wine and candles. Vala feels she is underdressed in a black tee she had to smell to make sure was wearable.

"When we were home I meant to have more girl's days with you. Then we became stuck and I forgot. I'm sorry."

"You've been busy."

"I should never be too busy for you. Anyway, dig in, dig in."

They both fill their plates and Vala starts eating faster than she intends. She hasn't eaten like this in weeks.

She has seconds and then stops when her stomach threatens to bust. She pushes her chair back from the table and leans back hoping for some relief if she stretches.

"Can I say something?" Sam asks, breaking the silence.

"If you don't tell anyone how many rolls I ate, yes." She says, a hint of her old self peeking through.

"I know you are going through something. I'm always here if you want to talk."

"Why does everyone from your planet think talking solves problems?"

"Because it's better than disappearing and giving all of your friends a heart attack."

Vala blushes. "Sorry."

"We understand, but we were- are worried about you. Especially Daniel. I've never seen him like that before."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. Have you talked to him?"

"I can't. I told him to let me go."

"Do you want him to?"

"No, but I can't go through that again. I don't think he should either. The only way to make sure I do not become pregnant is not to not do what makes you pregnant. The only way I know I can make sure that doesn't happen is to end it."

"Okay, so there are more things we can try. There are other forms of birth control."

"And what makes you sure they will work?"

"Because we could go completely overboard and do all of them. It would be some work on your part, but I've seen how he makes you happy. In a place like this you have to hold onto that. Believe me. I walked away from an opportunity with someone once and I regret it every day here. I don't want you to feel that way. If you look me in the eye and tell me you are done and you don't want to be with Daniel anymore than I won't say another word, but if you want a relationship with him then let me help you do that."

Vala doesn't say a word.

"That's what I thought. When you are ready, come see me and I have some options we can discuss. Until then, just let him in a little. What you have with him is unique. You guys make it work."

"Maybe…maybe when we get home you could have another chance with your guy."

"Oh believe me, we get home. His house is my first stop"

She reaches across the table and puts her hand over her friend's. "Thank you for lunch and for caring so much."

"Of course."

"Need help cleaning up?"

"Oh no. The boys will have the leftovers gone the minute I let them in. I'll let them clean up. Sam leans forward and places her other hand on top of Vala's. "We all care about you and we are all here for you."

Vala feels an all too familiar warmth as tears threaten to fall. Except this time they aren't over a baby, Daniel or a darkness that consumed her. She squeezes her friend's hand and then rises to leave.

She wants to be alone, but suddenly her room feels dreary and small. She'll find somewhere else and think about what she wants rather than telling herself what she can't have.

* * *

She waits three days and then she stops by their room, his room. She hesitates, but then keys in the code. The door slides open. He is sitting on the bed, still on his side even though he could have the whole bed to himself. He jumps up as she enters.

"Sorry! Sorry, I should have knocked." She turns to go back out.

"No, no you're fine. That's fine." He motions her to come in.

"How are you?"

He thinks about his answer carefully. Wants to be honest, but not scare her off. "Okay. You?" Wants to add how he can't sleep without her and how much he misses everything about them.

"I'm not sure if I could answer that correctly right now." She sits on the end of the bed by his feet. "I have something to say and something to ask."

"Okay." He says apprehensively.

She takes a deep breath. "I guess I need you to understand there is a dark place in me that will always be there. I will never talk about or acknowledge most of it. I have learned over the years to lock it up so I can go about my life and not let it pull me into it. Hopefully it never does again, but this is the second time it has trickled out of me and when that happens the dark place takes over a bit."

"Qetesh?" He asks quietly.

She nods, eyes on the floor in front of her. "She was one of the worst. Truly, truly evil. It's hard to explain, but being a host for so long, you know it isn't you, but the memory is clear in your mind. You saw it with your own eyes; it was your distorted voice, your hands that did those things. It takes a lot of effort to pull yourself away and try to feel like the bystander you actually were."

He watches motionless and listens to a part of her life she never touches on.

"There was a man in a village that angered Qetesh. To punish him she calls his son up to her. The boy must have been four or five. She pulled him into my lap, stroking his hair and looked straight at that man. He begged her for forgiveness. She smiled at him and asked the boy if his father was a good man. The boy nodded that he was. She then asked the boy if his father was worthy of her forgiveness. He nodded gain and asked that she would forgive his papa. She said she would show forgiveness and that if she returned they would not be so lucky. The man fell onto the ground thanking her. She waited until he looked back up at her and then she took his sons head in my hands and snapped his neck. I can still hear the sound of his bones cracking or feel how limp he felt in my arms before she dropped him at my feet. I can picture his little face so clearly. I always remember the children's faces." She wipes both palms across her cheeks to wipe the tears away. "The day after I lost the baby I was just sitting on our bed and I thought maybe I'm not meant to have and keep children. Maybe I have to atone for those I took. Maybe I'm supposed to feel what those parents did when my body against my will took the lives of their children. Then I just pictured them. All of them and I felt that darkness seep out of me into this pile, this mountain. A mountain of faces and things my hands hurt. I tell you all this so you can understand I can't be helped there. I can't be fixed or talk it out. After this moment I will never share another memory of being a host with you. And I need you to understand that doesn't say anything about you or how I feel about you. It just is what it is." She takes in another breath and finally makes eye contact with him.

He is staring right at her, arms folded against his chest to stop them from pulling her into him. There are a million things he could say that wouldn't mean anything in this moment. He could say that wasn't her, but she has heard that before. He could tell her it wasn't her fault, but she should know that too. There is absolutely no comfort he can give her.

He remembers that night she walked out how he had begged her to let him help. How naïve he had been. "The baby wasn't atonement. You don't have anything you need to atone for. Sometimes our minds have to come up with a reason on why tragic things happen to us. We have to know why, but sometimes there is no why. They just happen. It did happen, to us. No rhyme or reason. It almost makes it harder to heal from."

"I know that…on my good days."

"You know none of this changes anything for me. How I see you or feel about you."

It feels like her heart jumps into her throat because for the last few days she has been preparing herself that she might not get him back. "That brings me to my question." She moves so she is sitting next to him. Their bodies are almost touching. "I wanted to ask, even though I walked away and I have no right to ask if you might wait for me…just a bit longer. I mean if you wanted…if you still felt the way you did that night I left. If you did would you wait for me?"

He places a hand under her chin and brushes the hair in her face behind her ear with the other. "That's an easy one." He leans over and kisses her softly. He has to hold back because he wants to kiss her hard and furious after weeks of missing her perfect lips that fit his. He doesn't do that. He lets the kiss linger for a moment longer than he intended because she lets him and then he leans back. Her eyes are closed. He kisses her forehead to touch her one more time. "I'll always be waiting."

"Why? Why me? We've never really made sense you know?"

He stares at her so intently she tries to look away, but he keeps her eyes on him. The intensity of him is powerful and cuts through her doubt easily.

"I don't want what makes sense. I want you." He leans in for another kiss, this one impassioned and hard. "When you're ready, I'm right here."

"I love you." She says for the first time since before their loss.

He takes a quick, sharp intake of air because she had stopped saying it and somewhere he had feared she didn't feel that way anymore, but she did. He pulls her to him, his cheek resting on her temple. "I love you." He whispers into her hair.


	7. Love Remains

**September 2011**

She slips back in quietly and slowly. Completely opposite from when she came into his life all those years ago with an ass kicking.

She starts with little touches. She takes his hand under the dinner table one night. Gives him soft goodnight kisses when they part ways. Puts her head on his shoulder on movie night. It was enough and he didn't push her. He just accepted those little moments she gave him.

But tonight his door opens and although he doesn't have his glasses on he sees her silhouette come toward him. She crawls into his bed and wiggles into him without a word. Her head is using his arm as a pillow and he's pretty sure he'll lose feeling in it like that, but doesn't care. He feels like he can breathe for the first time since everything happened. His life seemed to stop without her. She was all he had and when she was gone he glimpsed what his life would truly be like here. Alone. So he relaxes against her and sleeps well for the first time in a long time.

He wakes to find her up and sitting next to him. "Morning." He says faintly.

"We need some ground rules."

He rubs his eyes, reaches for his glasses and sits up next to her ready to give her anything. "Whatever you need."

"I've spoken with Samantha and there are some things we can do. She can give us two more birth control methods on top of what we already use. And I can't promise that even with all of them together that I won't ask us to wait if it's my fertile days. We can't let this happen again."

"No. I understand. I don't want that either."

"And I want to switch rooms. I know they all look the same, but I sit here and I can feel all of it again. We had a lot of good moments in here, but I also had some of my worst. I want a fresh start. So I want to move."

"Done."

* * *

So they do. They pick a random one a few hallways down. He moves his stuff in and she follows. Suddenly she is taking over again because these little rooms were never meant for two people. Her clothes dominate the dresser. Mirrors, make up, hair accessories and toiletries everywhere. She clutters his life and he welcomes all of it.

After everything is where it should be they collapse on the new bed in a room that looks like theirs, but isn't quite the same. He turns his head and observes her. "Are you okay?"

She takes a moment to answer. "As okay as one can be I suppose. You?"

"Better now." He's okay if she is. If he learned anything from this it is how tied he is to her. Her pull on him was powerful. Like a moon on the tide. If she was okay, he was okay.


End file.
